I went to my local anime retailer today and got Trigun: Maximum #1. Yay! Tuesday is my brother's birthday. Yay! My two cousins and their father (whom I haven't met) are coming back from a trip to New York on Wedsnday. Yay! Although I may sound happy, I'm in a dilemma. The following is an e-mail I sent to my best friend, hoping he can help.
"-- Yeah... have you ever been pitted between a decision where it really hurts? Well, that's not what I mean... I mean like... hmm... well, a split opinion maybe. Well, truth is, I'm at war with myself.
(it's like "Whoa man", because it's like LOTR action, except with me instead of orcs and/or humans and/or elves and instead of big trolls, it's just oversized 'me's.)
Well, I love Tatiana to death. I truly do. I love her more than anything. The side of me that everyone knows as me, I shall refer to as "Me" from now on. The other side of me, that I usually lock up but somehow gets out, will be refered to as "#2". Me really dislikes #2. Me and #2 both love Tatiana equally, but they share different opinions.
#2 is just a result of me being a guy, and my raging hormones, and my instincts. That means that #2 wants to get closer to Tatiana to show her how much "Jhonny" as a whole loves her. #2 wants to be there for her. as a boyfriend. To hold her, kiss her, help her as much as possible in a way a brother cannot.
Me wants to help her -- protect her from all the evils in the world. Me wants to protect her, because I accept, belive and love her from the bottom of my heart. Me also wants to be there for Tatiana, but as a brother.
Me and #2 has never been in a situation like this. They're both new to this sort of problem. They both know that Tatiana won't want us as a boyfriend, and me has accepted that. #2 is in a sort of denial and continues to try. Jhonny as a whole is being pulled in two different directions. This aches my heart. And so I've been argueing with myself about all this.
As I've been argueing, #3 was born. #3 is the love sick Jhonny. #3 came up with the question, "What will happen if she never truly knows how much I love her?" That thought alone made me break down. Every time I think about it, I cry. Yes, that means I'm crying as I'm writing this. I have to let her know how much I love her, but I cannot do it with some simple words. That doesn't cut it! I need to prove my love, but I can't. What should I do? What is it that I have to do to show her my emotions? Tell me what it is I should do... please..."
And that's my situation right now. If anyone has an opinion, please let me know.