At 5/7/09 08:39 PM, PenisClown wrote:

At 5/7/09 10:19 AM, Bahamut wrote: I can't really argue about that. I've always thought "WTF?" towards the track title.

Fairies Wear Boots is brilliant. There is absolutely nothing wrong with it at all. It's awesome.

I never said the song was bad. I do like the song itself, I just find the name of it rather weird.

This GoryBlizzard shit is really fucking freaky. That shit is creeping me out. It's fucked up. And not cool. Fuck.

Anyway, I was recording with one of my many bands today.

I've totally sold out, hahaha.

Have a listen. Just download this one song. Will take like 2 minutes.

I can't upload it, it's not the right format.

Anyway, this band is like a melodic death metalish band.

At 5/8/09 03:23 AM, HeavenDuff wrote: Have you ever felt that you were just not fitting in this world? Have you ever thought about suicide while being totally cold-headed (is that right?) I mean, without being in a panic state.

The thought has popped into my mind but only as an ideal. I've never ever listened to the voice that says 'maybe suicide is good'. Its just in todays society its so much more acceptable that when you're down it pops in. But its ridiculous, I'm know way near depressed enough.

My world crashing down as our values and beliefs are dissapearing. If there is someone underestimating anyone else here, it's probably you, son.

Thats more cynical philosophy than mind-bending depressing.

Last month of my life was not all beautiful, I wanted to be sleeping all the time, cause I just thought that life couldn't be any better than the imagenary world of my dreams. I'm not just failling classes, I'm failling many classes cause I loose all kind of motivation at school cause I feel that I won't go anywhere with this.

I get that. I just consider it procrastination. This year at uni started bad for me in a few modules and as times gone on I could have turned them around but I didn't have the motivation too and I started not bothering going into uni and staying up all night, sleeping all day.

I realise that you are obviously feeling worst than me when I feel that life is crap. I think it's horrible that you have to live like this.

You said something in your post that I couldn't judge and that I was underestimating you... Hmm, cause from what you've just admitted I'd say I was spot on :P.

At 5/8/09 07:52 AM, CapnCrunchDaPimp wrote: I need to listen to Devin. I love Strapping Young Lad, but I've never heard any of Devin's music.

SYL are shite in comparison to Devin's solo stuff.

At 5/8/09 10:49 AM, PenisClown wrote: I've totally sold out, hahaha.

Yeah... fag :P.

Ponos - Sellout Track

'Sup fellow metalheads?

Megadeth
Metallica
Iron Maiden
System Of A Down
Dragonforce

Good to see that there are still some people that listen to decent music.

I don't know if my sig is gonna change from this Iron Maiden one though. I got a Megadeth one made, but I can't see it in the forum, but I can in the edit sig thing.

Meh.

At 5/8/09 01:55 PM, conscript1 wrote: Megadeth

Of course.

Metallica

Yes.

Iron Maiden

Yes.

System Of A Down

Nope.

Dragonforce

Yes

We ask that you post ten (acceptable) Metal bands. SOAD are Alt. Rock, not Metal. So you need to post 5 more bands. If you want to know whether a band is Metal look on www.metal-archives.com.

Meh.

It's already changed. I can see the Megadeth one.

At 5/8/09 03:04 PM, greensucksbluerules wrote:
I know SOAD isn't really metal, but I'd still take them over DragonForce any day.

Same

BOUNCE!

At 5/8/09 02:02 PM, Nev wrote:

At 5/8/09 01:55 PM, conscript1 wrote: Megadeth

Of course.

Metallica

Yes.

Iron Maiden

Yes.

System Of A Down

Nope.

Dragonforce

Yes

We ask that you post ten (acceptable) Metal bands. SOAD are Alt. Rock, not Metal. So you need to post 5 more bands. If you want to know whether a band is Metal look on www.metal-archives.com.

Meh.

It's already changed. I can see the Megadeth one.

Yeah, I can see the change as well. I think I just had to restart my browser.
As for more bands, I very occasionally listen to Avenged Sevenfold, Lordy, and Drowning Pool, even if I only listen to 1 or 2 of their songs.

At 5/8/09 06:16 PM, conscript1 wrote: Avenged Sevenfold,

not metal

Lordi

acceptable

Drowning Pool

not metal

now listening to Lightning Bolt (experimental noise rock) - Bizarro Zarro Land

And Rammstein. I forgot to mention them.

MAAAN shitty day, dudes. US History AP test has me entirely burned out, and i have a concert to play tonight, and i have to drive up to a band trip directly afterwards and camp out with annoying freshmen and my ex girlfriend for two days in Santa Cruz.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

RAMMSTEIN AREN'T METAL

At 5/8/09 06:37 PM, Sense-Offender wrote: Lightning Bolt (experimental noise rock) - Bizarro Zarro Land

FUCK YEAH LIGHTNING BOLT

Holy shit they are good.

At 5/8/09 07:03 PM, D3NTATUS wrote: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

RAMMSTEIN AREN'T METAL

Dude, mellow out.

It's an easy mistake to make if you're not into much Metal.

At 5/8/09 07:05 PM, Centurion-Ryan wrote: It's an easy mistake to make if you're not into much Metal.

sorry, the FUCKx5 and rammstein comment were separate. i meant the fucks for my AP test/miserable weekend. and my caps were on when i typed rammstein aren't metal

AP US History?

5 hours of the easiest test of my life. I easily pulled out a 5 without much effort.

AP Chem however was a different story. I mean I got a 5 but that's with about a week's worth of sleepless nights.

At 5/8/09 07:07 PM, Idiosyncratic wrote: AP US History?

5 hours of the easiest test of my life. I easily pulled out a 5 without much effort.

Yeah it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. The essays were a little difficult though, 'cause i was tired of sitting still and I wasn't really sure what I was talking about.

As for AP Chem, no way am I going to take that. No one passes at our school, because it's a two year course, and we only have two trimesters to teach it in.

Gah...

I know I should be in a psych ward right now, yet I'm still clinging on here...

Fucking shadow people have been bothering me last night.

It's a little comforting to know that some of you actually give a shit about my well-being. That's more than I can say for certain people in real-life.

Blargh...

Sorry...I still haven't recovered from my previous involuntary hospitalizations as a teenager as recently as 2 years ago. I also went for 3 months of outpatient psychiatric treatment and psychotherapy from March to June of last year, which took a big bite out of my wallet (yes, I paid for it all with no help from anyone). And now?

I DON'T HAVE ANY FUCKING MONEY LEFT.

I have much less money now than I did then. Therefore, my options are much more limited now and need to be weighed more carefully.

Maybe if I had a rich friend or any friends at all, I wouldn't be in such a dire predicament. I've always been a socially inept fuck, but my overall mental instability just keeps getting worse and worse.

All I want is this: to live like a normal person. Is that too much to fucking ask?

I swore the last time I was discharged for severe depression and psychosis that I would never go again no matter how bad my mental state got. I kept telling myself this, over and over again...

But now, thinking about it...ugh...

Believe me, I do hear everyone who's telling me to go back. It's just not as easy as you think it is, especially when you're me and you've been hospitalized before.

It hurts to go back in time. I know I'm only getting worse, but I'm still trying to stay afloat using whatever coping mechanisms I can come up with. Which, I admit, is not many.

There's just so much fucking shit I have to deal with...I'm doing terribly academic-wise (let's not even get into that right now; academia is the bane of my life), and I can't concentrate on anything. I experience psychotic episodes in class very frequently, but that's also something I had a problem with years ago, too.

I've attempted suicide before, and the thought still comes up in my mind sometimes. Occasionally, I'll be in a room, see a sharp object like a knife, and then something in my mind will tell me, "Why wait? Look at that knife right there. Go kill yourself."

I don't have any skills (not even any modicum of instrumental talent like many of you do), a very small support network, and I have no future. Almost everything is a chore for me due to my overwhelming fatigue levels, even if it's really simple for just about everyone else. Even working as a janitor or a McDonald's cashier sounds daunting to me. I just fail at everything I do, and I punch myself every single day for it. And the voices, the visions, never seem to go away...

I'm just pathetic. Fucking pathetic. There is simply no other way to describe myself.

And by the way, I truly do feel that I am at risk to myself, Bill. Complicating things even further. I started cutting myself again just recently, and if I tell any shrink or psychologist about my tendency to cut (although lightly, mind you; I mostly have scratches and not very much blood), nothing good is ever going to come out of it. If I get too honest with mental health professionals, it's just another excuse for them to keep me in the ward for a longer period of time. I mean, fuck, I've been through this shit before, 3 fucking times. I have a pretty good idea of what to expect should I go back.

The meds I've been given up to this point, for both depression and schizophrenia, have not worked on me. My conditions are both extreme and treatment-resistant. There are still stronger meds out there that I haven't tried, but I'm extremely reluctant to take them after my previous experiences. I don't want to deal with feeling like a zombie, having a limp dick, seizures, blah blah blah, like what's already happened to me.

These days, I don't really talk to anyone except myself. I still cry myself to sleep almost every night, and I'm fucking 19. I'll be 20 in February of next year, and I still feel like a fucking helpless little baby. I should be past this sort of thing at my age.

Sometimes I'll go entire days without talking to my family, even if they're in the same apartment as I am. My parents piss me off sometimes, especially my mom, and I have to hide a lot of my problems from them.

And today, I've been feeling so god damn depressed that I've been starving myself intentionally. I also slept most of my day away.

FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I guess I can't keep that up for much longer. I'm going to have my first meal of the day soon, close to 7 in the fucking evening. That is, if I have enough energy to do so.

I even thought about setting myself on fire last night. Who knows if that's ever going to happen...

I haven't even been outdoors in a couple of days. But, maybe that's what I need to do. I'm probably going to get on the A train soon this evening, take it to some stop in the Rockaways on the eastern end of Queens and just stay near the ocean for a while and see if that helps me out. Sometimes, just spending time alone near a large body of water is enough to relax me whenever I feel batshit crazy, as long as I don't try to drown myself as I nearly did one time.

Again, sorry if this post comes across sounding like a suicide note...I really can't help myself. I know you all have lives and better things to do than to read about my mental problems.

At 5/8/09 07:09 PM, GoryBlizzard wrote: Gah...

Jesus Christ.

I mean, wow.

Just...fuck.

I'm shit at giving advice, and I've never really been in a situation like this, but I do know one thing.

You're only 19. I'm not one to talk, but you've got your whole life ahead of you. Things might seem bad, and I can see why they would, but it's not over, man. Not by a long shot. You've got to pull yourself out of this hole that circumstance and bad luck have dug for you. And don't say you can't, because you can. You can get help. There are people out there whose job it is to help guys who have problems. It's their job to solve those problems.

Of course, that's what anyone would tell you. You want my personal opinion?

Read something, or watch something, that puts a smile on your face. Say to yourself that life isn't so bad, that you can still smile no matter how much shit you're going through. Then talk to someone you trust about it. And don't bullshit yourself, there are people who you can trust, and people who love you.

Telling us about your problems isn't going to help long term. It's good to vent, I know it is. But we can't do anymore than we've already done. We're telling you to get help, man. This is a two way system. You vent, and we tell you what to do. You're venting, and we're listening. We're telling you what do to, but you need to listen to what all of us, Bill especially, are telling you. Get well rested, eat something, and for God's sake, go get some help.

Trust us, man. We're as good as your extended family. We care, and that's why we're advising you.

Hope everything works out.

____________________________

In other news, I'm starting to like Crossover more and more.

At 5/8/09 07:09 PM, GoryBlizzard wrote: I'm just pathetic. Fucking pathetic. There is simply no other way to describe myself.

Mate, you seem to have real mental issues and as Bill said you should seek help. You seem like the sort of person who is actually suffering and are in no way pathetic. It's people like me who are pathetic. I got dumped by my girlfriend and have spent the last year and a half in total misery due to that. I've always been to the sort of person who valued long term relationships over short term and I seriously thought that life would be cool with her. Not so.

Funeral for a Friend were DJing in a club in town tonight so I went with a friend to see what it was like. Same old generic, Pantera, SOAS, Alexisonfire crap.

Thought I like Alexisonfire :D.

At 5/8/09 07:09 PM, GoryBlizzard wrote:

Fucking shadow people have been bothering me last night.

You see them too? 0_0

I can help you my freind. they roam my woods sometimes. They used to follow me and my freinds when we messed with oujia boards.

this site should help if they are bothering you.

At 5/8/09 07:40 PM, Centurion-Ryan wrote: In other news, I'm starting to like Crossover more and more.

Crossover is brilliant.

Smeagol. Shut the fuck up.

Forlorn Realms - Søfn-ør paa Alfers Lund

I covered Ulver on my second demo. T'was great.

At 5/8/09 11:08 PM, PenisClown wrote:

At 5/8/09 07:40 PM, Centurion-Ryan wrote: In other news, I'm starting to like Crossover more and more.

Crossover is brilliant.

Smeagol. Shut the fuck up.

Fuck you cock. The dude is obviously being harrased by entitys. Im just trying to help you fucking dick.

Morbid Angel- Immortal rites.

Gory, i hope shit works out for you, go get help.

In other news, im 18 now, so no more OH SHIT DAMN GIG IS 18+ ONLY. That, and my sister got me a limited edition frame of Metallica and whatnot, i love it because at the bottom it says 'Wherever We May Roam'.

Im still recovering from lastnight. I regret nothing.

At 5/8/09 11:42 PM, SpeedMetalSandwich wrote: In other news, im 18 now, so no more OH SHIT DAMN GIG IS 18+ ONLY. That, and my sister got me a limited edition frame of Metallica and whatnot, i love it because at the bottom it says 'Wherever We May Roam'.

Im still recovering from lastnight. I regret nothing.

I gotta say, you look extremely homosexual with that ascot on bro.

It is acceptable to look homosexual on Friday/Saturday night if alcohol is in the direct vicinity of said homosexual looking person.

At 5/9/09 12:33 AM, CapnCrunchDaPimp wrote: I gotta say, you look extremely homosexual with that ascot on bro.

Ascot? Well i guess if you don't like the album, it's semi gay.

drunken antics flag

At 5/9/09 12:55 AM, PenisClown wrote: It is acceptable to look homosexual on Friday/Saturday night if alcohol is in the direct vicinity of said homosexual looking person.

Well played, Mr. SpeedMetalSandwhich, and happy birthday. Well played.

*slow clap*

I'm not Speedy.

I lack Italian ancestry.

At 5/9/09 01:58 AM, PenisClown wrote: I'm not Speedy.

I lack Italian ancestry.

I know, but Speedy must've known the rules or he wouldn't have worn the ascot. You just explained it. But I guess you deserve a slow clap as well.

At 5/8/09 06:16 PM, conscript1 wrote: Lordi i i i i i i i

asdf

So, hey guys. Did much happen while I was gone?

At 5/8/09 11:08 PM, PenisClown wrote:

At 5/8/09 07:40 PM, Centurion-Ryan wrote: In other news, I'm starting to like Crossover more and more.

Crossover is brilliant.

Yeah, it's like, Catchy Metal.