I appreciate your advice, Ghoul. You too, Bill.
I pretty much spent my entire day today in isolation, catching up on some much-needed rest, with occasional breakdowns. I've also been listening to the same 2 songs over and over again today: Born by Nevermore and Land of the Dead by Summoning. That's it.
To me, just getting help has always been the hard part. I am, and always have been, a very weak person both inside and out. I realize this all too well and I have a horrible tendency to constantly succumb to my weaknesses and my strong sense of powerlessness. I'm struggling right now to be as alert as I can, and it's very fucking hard.
And, I have a long, long history of mental problems, going way back in time. I have been diagnosed with a plethora of disorders. I'm no stranger to psych wards either, because I've been sent to them three times. Almost every minute of my experiences there sucked. The doctors I was assigned to had terrible bedside manners, and the meds given to me made me feel like shit. Once I was in, I realized that my main goal was to get out. I had to feign happiness and normalcy during my group sessions and my individual psychiatrist sessions, so that I could get discharged in as timely a manner as possible. This worked for me every time.
I guess I'll have to bite the bullet and either check into a hospital (just the thought of that worsens my headache, thanks so much for that), or make an appointment with a psychiatrist soon. I guess Friday would be the best time for an appointment. I'm still reluctant to make a 911 call, because even though I'm in a bad state right now, I'm still cognizant enough to realize that I could be institutionalized for a very, very long time. That's one thing I'll need to bring up with whichever psychiatrist I see--my fear of being institutionalized yet again.