RAW Recap for 3/6/06 – “Here Comes Predictability”
Introduction – Lord Vince + Posse
Apparently Lord Vince needed 12 or so security guards to accompany him and his son to the stage. He comes up and says that the Oscars doesn’t even compare to HBK kissing his ass. Then, apparently, he did an “acceptance speech” for this occasion. I especially liked when he thanked Spirit Fingers, since their cheers "inspired him to drop his pants." He also thanked the now disavowed Marty Janetty, as well as all the “spineless” WWE fans. What a way to get a crowd going, eh? He then unveiled the Muscle and Fitness magazine he apparently got himself on the cover of.
I must say this was actually a rather hilarious skit, especially when HBK’s music started and the posse charged at the entrance. Of course, HBK snuck from behind and attacked Shane and Lord Vince. Lord Vince, in turn, made a match between Shane and HBK. Say what you will about Vince McMahon, but he makes me laugh my ass off.
Match 1 – Mama’s Boy vs. Ric Flair Woo
Just what I wanted to see. More jobbing by Flair to a dumbass who needs his mom to win matches. Is this what qualifies for primetime TV these days?
Anyway, Mama’s Boy starts off strong, then Mr. Woo chopped Mama’s Boy about 12,000 times. Mama’s Boy accidentally eye-pokes the ref, after which Mama’s Boy taps out to the Figure-4 Leglock. Of course, we can’t let Flair win the title again, so the ref DQ’s Mama’s Boy. Flair gets to kick more ass before the end, though.
Winner: Ric Flair Woo by DQ, Mama’s Boy retains title
Backstage
Holla Holla Holla tells us that the Money in the Bank Ladder Match is now interpromotional, and will feature 3 superstars from each brand. Sounds fun!
Match 2 – WM15 Rewind Match – Kane vs. HHH
You really expected Kane to win? Actually, Cabana Boy and the Master Fuckup came out to beat up Kane just when he was going to win. Huge shock. I must say I was completely thrown off track and really expected Kane to win. Really. I really did.
Okay, I didn’t.
Oh yeah. I can’t do a RAW Recap without this:
Chris Masters Scorecard
Body Shine: Piss Poor…can’t we chip in to get this guy a bottle of body oil?
Attempted Wrestling Moves: 0 – Figures…he just comes out to push around Kane…no talent necessary!
Fuck-ups: 0 – I was disappointed. I mean, they didn’t even give him a chance to fuck up! He was only out there for 30 seconds…everyone knows he needs at least 45 to fuck up!
Status: Still sucks. I feel sorry for Carlito getting lumped in with this guy.
The Sluts Argue Backstage
Paris Hilton’s all pissed off that the Playboy Slut is still mad…and apparently they’re calling themselves the Four Amigas now (counting the dog). Pardon me while I up-chuck:
*Up-chucking in progress*
Okay, I’m back. Oh yeah, Stephanie McMahon fakes pregnancy pains and spikes HBK’s water. Cause Lord Vince really expected us to believe that Stephanie was feeling guilty for two seconds. This should make things interesting. And by interesting I mean totally predictable and boring.
The Playboy Slut Performs Generically Slutty Acts
You know, it’s not that I have anything wrong with WWE Divas going Playboy, but they always parade it around and do stupid things with it. For instance, this time, Paris Hilton was beat up by the Playboy Slut and Victoria. Exciting.
P.S. – I didn't find the Playboy cover all that impressive, either.
Match 3 – The Shane-O-Matic vs. HBK
Oh noes, HBK drank the water.
Needless to say, HBK wasn’t up to par in this match. The Shane-O-Matic pretty much kicked his ass right from the start. Eventually, HBK got to the point where he fainted and Shane pinned him. Lord Vince (our hero) declared a match: himself vs. HBK. I wonder what will happen???
Winner: Shane-O-Matic
Match 4 – Lord Vince vs. HBK
Lord Vince pins HBK.
Winner: Lord Vince
I said it before, and I’ll say it now…BORING AND PREDICTABLE.
Match 5 – Eugene vs. “Kenny” from the Spirit Fingers
You know, I hate Spirit Fingers enough as it is. Now I have to see these fuckers wrestle?
Actually the match wasn’t half bad. Naturally, Eugene lost. Actually, even though some random Spirit Finger caused him the loss, “Kenny” actually pulled off one hell of a Flying Legdrop off the top rope. That guy FLEW! So, maybe these fuckers can actually wrestle. Anyway, Kenny won, so I have to say…
OH MY GOD, Kenny killed Eugene! That bastard!
Winner: Kenny (the bastard)
Match 6 – Maria the Airhead vs. Lita the Ho
Actually, a better name for Lita would be “The HOOOOOOO,” according to those fans in the stands reusing Ric Flair’s “WOOOOOOO” sign. That was ingenuity on their part if you ask me.
Anyway, as you might have expected (that seems to be the general theme for tonight), Maria got the edge, but Lita ended up winning. Also, just as Edge was going to Spear Maria, Mick Foley comes out to beat up Edge. Edge Spears Foley and does a Concerto (I think that’s what the hit-the-head-with-a-chair-while-lying-on-a
-chair maneuver is called) on him. Edge accepts to the WM22 Challenge. Hmm, let’s see how overboard they go with “Foley’s injured neck.”
Winner: Lita the Ho
Psycho Hose Beast Does Some Bad Acting
Trish has apparently had enough (as opposed to two months ago when the fans had enough) and wants some time apart from the Ms. Hose Beast. She performs some bad acting to try to emote how upset she is. She fails miserably.
Match 7 (wow!) – WM20 Rewind Match – John Seen-It vs. Big Show
Did you ever want to see a wrestler spontaneously combust? Just asking.
As you might expect, these two started wrestling. As you might not have expected, HHH comes out during the match to proudly display his new sledgehammer. I’m personally glad that HHH was able to stop by the hardware store and buy himself something. You know…you really need to get yourself something now and then.
Anyway, HHH doesn’t interfere (he was too busy playing with his new sledgehammer), but Cabana Boy and the Master Fuckup do. Kane materializes magically and stops the Not-Quite-So Dynamic Duo from killing the match. In the end, Cena pulls a Superplex off the top rope and F-U’s Show. Cena wins.
You know, it’s really sad when the fact that HHH has a new sledgehammer is more interesting than the match at hand. That’s all I have to say.
Conclusion
I guess I can’t complain. I just wish the WWE would surprise me every now and then.