Sorry for the delay…I had to run out of the house. Then again, it’s not like my recaps are THAT good that everyone is waiting with bated breath for them.
RAW Recap for 2/16/05 – “The Name of the Recap”
I missed the first few minutes of Raw, so I have to pick up right from the start of the Show/HHH match.
Match 1 – Big Show vs. HHH (Road to Wrestlemania Match)
The match was good. I pretty much got what I expected from each of the two wrestlers. If it wasn’t for the environment, the match would have been a bit more believable. Basically, Show destroys HHH during the first part of the match, after which HHH makes a comeback. They exchange finishers and both kick out at around a 2.9993 count as expected. It was done very well, though. The match ends after Show is beating up HHH on the outside of the ring, and they both get counted out.
However, this is where the fun begins. And by fun I mean big blunders. First off, Big Show clears off the Announce Table to Chokeslam HHH onto it. Jerry Lawler is complaining about his laptop being on the table. Granted, I pretty much assumed that Show wouldn’t be able to pull it off, but Lawler didn’t help with his precious little laptop. Any laptop owner would do what I would do if someone was about to Chokeslam someone else onto the table my laptop is on. That is, GET THE FUCKING LAPTOP OFF THE TABLE!!!! It’s not 300 pounds, Lawler, pick it the fuck up! Don’t give things away so easily next time, okay? Also, Big Show performed the Official Put People Through The Black Retaining Wall Maneuver, which actually was done well. I might have believe it more if there were people running the fuck out of the way as Show approached the wall, though. However, that’s not the fault of HHH nor Show, so excellent match!
Winner: No Winner (Double Count-Out)
Generic Backstage Whoring
First off, Lord Vince mentions a Triple Threat between Show, HHH, and the winner of the Master Fuckup/Mr. Flippity Match. Sounds fun! Then, Mama whores to Lord Vince in order to get Mama’s Boy a IC Title Match.
Next, we get Whiny Bastard and his Slut whoring to Mick Foley. A few Cheap Pops later, we are aware of Foley’s bias and Edge’s threat. It is the scenes like this that make me realize how useless Edge is.
Match 2 – Mama’s Boy vs. Eugene
Oh great. This already?
Let me go over Mama’s Boy’s best maneuvers at match start:
- The Titanic Candy Smash
- The Colossal Jacket Rip-Off
- The UNBELIEVABLY POWERFUL Jacket Throw
This will help get Mama’s Boy respect, believe you me. Anyway, Shelton wins, just in case you didn’t get that Eugene is a jobber now. Mama’s Boy boasts on mike to his Mama for a minute, then goes away. Thank God.
Mama’s Boy def. Eugene, is #1 IC Title Contender
Match 3 – The Diva Slut Winner vs. Paris Hilton
Boring match.
Winner: The Diva Slut Winner
HBK Retirement Match
Lord Vince goes through a nice list of options of how to celebrate HBK’s retirement. He eventually decides on…SPIRIT FINGERS. Not only did they suck as usual tonight, they couldn’t even get the cheer right. Anyway, Lord Vince tells HBK to sign, and after 15 minutes of contemplation, HBK says the No of Generic Distaste to Lord Vince. Then, Lord Vince makes what happens to be the most hilarious speech I’ve seen in a long time. HBK then signs the papers and rips them up. Lord Vince basically says he’ll pay. Never before has dead air time been so funny to me. I give credit to Lord Vince for his acting abilities to pull that off.
Match 4 – The Master Fuckup vs. Mr. Flippity
Oh great. Another match I don’t want to see. Well, that’s not true. I want to see RVD kick Masters’ ass, but we all know that Masters will fuck up the match somehow.
Masters started off doing his usual shittiness, which has apparently translated to punches as well. After Irish Whipping RVD, he comes back and barely elbows RVD when they meet. Also, he manages to pick up RVD very unceremoniously, which RVD just pulled out of. He did, however, manage a rather impressive Cross-Body Slam which countered RVD’s turnbuckle move…probably all RVD’s work. He also managed a Torture Rack Backbreaker. Amazing. In the end, RVD won with the Five-Star Frog Splash. Masters still sucks.
Chris Masters Scorecard
Body Shine: Better than last week, but could be better
Attempted Wrestling Moves: 2
Attempted Moves not the Master-Lock: 2…wow! He didn’t even hide behind the Master Lock this match? Maybe he just sucked too much to get to it.
Fuck-ups: 2…now that’s more like Chris Masters.
Psycho Hose Beast gets Random Trish Stratus Boyfriend Arrested
Basically, Mickie James frames Random Trish Stratus Boyfriend for assault after he wouldn’t accept her. Now, I can understand if she made it very convincing and no one else was there to witness the framing, but doesn’t the fucking CAMERA MAN count??? Doesn’t he have EYES????? Give me a break.
Mr. No-Gimmick vs. Whiny Bastard for the WWE Title, Special Guest Ref. Mick Foley
I’ll repeat it again, it’s sad that the REFEREE is the most interesting wrestler in this match.
Now, Coach kept saying that Mick Foley might not call it down the middle. Um, John? NO FUCKING SHIT!!! THAT IS THE WHOLE PURPOSE OF THE LAST MATCH, FOR THE WINNER TO CHOOSE A BIASED JUDGE! Idiot.
Since Cena and Edge suck, I’ll just go over the parts that involve Mick Foley:
Foley ejects Lita from ringside after he sees her trying to take a turnbuckle pad off. Later in the match, Foley gets knocked out of the ring and is down for a while. Cena STF’s Edge after and gets him to tap. Lita runs in and stops him and distracts him for a while. After, she takes off a turnbuckle and gives Edge the WWE Title to hit Cena with. You know, Standard Slut Procedures. Eventually Foley comes to and counts Cena with a 2.999998 count. Then, Cena did the Super Superman Move and catches Edge while he tries to do a Cross-Body off the top rope. He hoists Edge on his shoulders, F-U’s him and then wins. Hooray.
My take on this match…you know, as much as I hate Cena, at least Edge didn’t win. And I got to see Mick Foley.
Oh yeah, Foley gets low-blowed by Lita and Speared by Edge after the match. Edge wasn’t a happy man. Do I smell more Whiny Bastard Syndrome?
Cena def. Edge, retains title
Conclusion
It coulda been worse. At least Vince made it funny.