Teh Rook's RAW Review!!! OMFG!
Okay, last night started out promising. Too bad the ending couldn't deliver, but I'll get to the matches in a moment. Stone Cold threatens the Coach again. BAH, I SAY! He's the Coach. You can't just manhandle him. He's...well, Coach! Coach is cool! Molly beats on Terri, and I must say, her tits were exceptionally bouncy last night. Lets give her a round of applause. Still, the segment had no real purpose. I really hope though, that when Matt Hardy moves to RAW, they have a Hardy/Christian ladder match, with Lita suspended high above the ring as the prize. Michaels and Orton on team Stone Cold? I guess Michaels is an ok choice, but given how Batista's been punking out Austin, he really would've been the better choice. And Kane cut a useless promo. The last match sent someone to the hospital, and a month ago Kane was sent to hospital, so what purpose is the Ambulance Match? Anyway...
Chris Jericho & Christian def RVD & Booker T - this match was great. Excellent way to start the night. It gave me hope that tonight would be a great show. And I still maintain that Jericho and Christian make the best tag team ever. My only complaint was when Christian pulled Jericho out of the ring, they stopped to hug. WTF? A match was going on! Didn't they realize what would happen if they took their eyes off T and RVD?
Batista def Maven - a pretty decent match. I expected Cade and Jindrak to interfere, but since they had a match themselves, I'll let it slide. (I thought after the match, they'd attack Batista, but he'd single handedly beat down all three guys [Maven's still there] and assert his dominance)
Mark Jindrak & Garrison Cade def The Dudley Boyz - YES! They won! I think they should have a tag title match at Survivor Series. (Yes, I know the Dudleys are on team austin, but they shouldn't be. To me it says Austin's job is more important that the tag and IC title) Also, did anyone notice that JR called Garrison "Lance Cade"? (His old persona, I believe) Anyway, it was a good match. The Dudleyz may be tired out, but at least they can still muster a good performance. I would've prefered a clean finish, though. Why did Steiner have to bring out Stacy? Wouldn't his mere presence have distracted them just long enough for the pin to be made? Pointless.
Contract Signing - Yes, Austin hasn't been Austin in a while. But that's because he's now the boss, not a wrestler. UNOFFICIAL POLL: seriously, who do you prefer, Austin or Bischoff. I think my answer is clear. (Its Bischoff for you slow people). Anyway, the Legend Killer wants a new name on the list? Dude, you hang with Flair. He's a legend who trusts you, you could take him out, and he'd never see it coming!
Lance Storm def Rico - Its sad that these two get no respect. I defy any one of you to say these guys aren't talented. They deserve better things then what they get. But why was Val Venis there? Just to dance? Pointless. (Thats three four pointless moments wwe. Not good) I at least expected Val to ask Storm to be a Venis Video Stud.
John Heidenreich & Trish def Stevie Night Heat & Teh Krazy Lady :) - Who is "Little Johnny?" I didn't watch the whole match, as i knew the outcome from the start. Poor Stevie is in the same boat as Storm and Rico. (SEE ABOVE!)
Shawn Michaels def Mark Henry - Probably the worst match, but still better than most of the pointless garbage (Kane promo, Molly segment, Steiner). Notice how Henry was constantly licking his lips on the way to the ring? He was gonna eat Shawn Michaels! Notice how JR called Henry a "phenom?" He is? Notice how Austin is a fuckwad and sent Theodore Long backstage? Teddy Long > Stone Cold, so you betta back the Mack, before Rodney Mack starts Thuggin' and Buggin' on you, and it'll be off the hizzle fo shizzle, now belee dat, playuh!
CRAPPY LAST CALL! - Batista and Austin go at it. For some reason Mark Henry stuck around to get a Stone Cold Stunner. Poor Mark. Now, could it be...{SAID IN JR FRANTIC VOICE}...ITS GOLDBERG! GOLDBERG IS HERE ON MONDAY NIGHT RAW! WE"RE LIVE AND ITS GOLDBERG!...{END OF JR VOICE}. Nice limp, Goldie. You sell injuries so well. I can tell your leg was shattered recently. You, and a cast. That must be legit. Oh wait, my mistake, that was just a few bandages wrapped around your leg. And you didn't limp. Don't stand up Mark Henry. Steel chair. Poor Mark. Thanks for ruining the show Goldberg. Good night!
TEH EDN! @-TRAIN RoXXoRZ! NO REALLY! AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [SARCASM]