At 1/10/05 02:51 AM, TearDropped wrote:
shes kinda snobby, no offense. i love her and all, but she doesnt treat you that well.
You don't think I've noticed? But you know, I really loved her for all the sweet moments we have shared. It's like the same principle of girls going out with assholes all the time; sweet moments are that much sweeter. I should really just listen to Robin though. She's telling me to take it one day at a time, to stop planning for the future like I so often find myself doing. It's good advice really. I'm just finding -- and this is just a personal fault of mine, I imagine -- that I can really only feel satisfied when I feel as though I'm working towards something. I like the idea of us getting closer and closer with each passing day and I guess that when I take a step backwards, I feel anhedonic about it all. So how can I feel satisfied if I can't keep her satisfied? Because of the way my psyche's laid out, I don't just need to sustain her satisfaction, I need to improve on it all the time. I mean, I've thought about it, and yes, perhaps I am a little insane, but I'm really frustrated that I can't give her what she wants and as a result, what I need. It doesn't help that she's "snobby" either. Makes her that much harder to please. And when she treats me like crap, which is probably much less often that I'd have you believe but still often enough to have a significant impact on me, it brings me down even more. But I put up with it because at the same time, just being around her sometimes brings me up higher than I've felt in ages. If you ask me now, I really don't think this will work out in the long run, but there's a chance. Just a tiny, miniscule, sliver of a chance. And it is because of that chance that I still plan on taking her out to dinner and another play next month for Valentine's Day. Another hundred bucks down the crapper. That's life.
But while we're on the subject -- as if I ever talk about anything else these days; I'm surprised I haven't been banned from NG for life because of these posts -- I just got off watching a movie so freakishly close to my current situation, I couldn't help wanting to go out right then to see if I could buy myself a copy just for the novelty of owning something that reflected my own life with such accuracy. Any of you guys know of a movie called Annie Hall? Well, in it, this washed-up comedian falls in love with a quirky, ditzy lounge singer and the film analyzes their entire relationship, right from their humble introductions to one another to their bittersweet breakup. But the thing that got me was this. The comedian is me and the quirky, ditzy lounge singer is Oriana. Get this: Both me and the comedian, Alvy, are Bergman enthusiasts. Annie, the singer, refers to Alvy as being "hostile" more than once in the film and Oriana uses the exact same word on me all the bloody time. Annie owns a copy of "The Catcher In The Rye" with the red cover, and in the movie, asks Alvy whose it is, perhaps implying that he owns a copy as well. I own a copy of "The Catcher In The Rye" with a white cover, Ori owns one in red. Alvy's obsessive-compulsive like the dickens. I'm so obsessive-compulsive, I just checked to make sure I didn't need to capitalize the D in "dickens" for it to be grammatically correct. And finally, in the course of the film, Alvy writes a stage play loosely based on his relationship with Annie and makes it so things work out much better for him in the play than in real life. I'm doing the same thing, only mine's a screenplay. Isn't that frickin' creepy? It's like a message from God or something. Only problem is -- and I'd hate to spoil the end of such a great film, so if you're thinking about watching it, just stop reading now -- things don't work out for Alvy in the end. I just hope this movie isn't, like, foreshadowing for the rest of my life.
Anyways, a big sorry and thanks-for-listening to Mal for being all bitchy, but it's in my nature to be so there's nothing I can do about it; a friendly "bite me" to Marcus for his consistent but well-warranted whining about the size of my posts; and finally, a procrastinatory "I don't know yet" to Konrad in response to the question asked. Konrad, I'll probably let you know by Thursday. Remind me via e-mail and ask Stasia what she'd prefer. I'm out like a beer gut.