The following is obviously fake, but extremely funny
This is an actual honest-to-god UCAS personal statement received by a colleague of mine at Southampton University.
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more effective in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Kenyan regugees, I write award-winning operas, and manage time efficiently. Occasionally i tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing. I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and i cook thirty minute Brownies in twenty minutes.
I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon basin from a horde of ferocious army ants.
I play bluegrass cello, I had trials for Manchester United, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I am bored, I build large suspension bridges in my garden.
I enjoy urban hang gliding. On wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.
I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire, I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail.
I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrigual-force demonstration. I run the 100m in 9.65 secs My deft floral arragements have earned me fame in international botany circles.
Children trust me.
I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy.
I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that eevning.
I know the exact location of every good item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery.
The laws of Physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full contact Origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I have made extraordinary four course meals using only some vegetables and a Breville sandwich toaster. I breed prize-winning clams.
I have won bullfights in Madrid, cliff diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and chess competitions at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, I have spoken with Elvis.
But i have not yet gone to this University.