A story by _Paranoia_
plzdontbanme
The morning had started well for for Tom Fulp, he knew. He simply wasn't sure why. He'd woken up with a massive erection - not just one of those 'massive erections' which he had from time to time and which had rendered him unwelcome in several libraries, but a real thudder. This topped his personal best to this point by at least four inches. He reasoned that it must have been at least 5,000 milimetres long. This should have provided a clue as to what lay ahead, but Tom Fulp had had a long night of partying with Ozcar and Denvish and wasn't feeling his full five shillings.
He puzzled over the source of this love staff as he took his morning shower. It proved handy for providing a place to hand seventeen of the nineteen hair and shower products he usually inflicted on himself. The ramaining two were, as always, held between his pectorals. He went through several stages of scrubbing, massaging, blotting, rinsing, blotting again, rubbing, some more rubbing, oh God, a little more rubbing, wiping and finally rinsing again to ensure that the prodicts had all fully infiltrated every part of his body. After he dried himself on a $500 towell and stood infront of an industrial fan to clear all those remaining tricky areas of any moisture. Looking as stunning as Tom Fulp does takes effort.
His erection remained as he got into his car to get to work. He'd skipped breakfast, but that was no big deal. There was usually something to eat at the Newground Building anyway. Perhaps Luis would allow him to eat his morning meal off of his silky, naked body again. Tom Fulp smiled at this thought.
As he neared the building he began noticing signs of something big happening. There were many more cars than usual, from Negative's sensible business affair to Inglor's fur covered pandamobile, to Earfetish's penis shaped racecar. He'd bought it, Tom Fulp recalled, as part of some extended practical joke or other, and grown rather fond of it. In a nearby tree Tom Fulp could see the subtle signs of Eric Bauman waiting for a chance to steal something, but that was nothing unusual. Tom Fulp would have some RPGs fired into the leaves when he got the chance.
Tom Fulp walked through the doors and was immediately greeted by Liam, in formal wear.
"What's going on here?" he asked the eager young lad.
"Did you forget, sir?" the boy replied, "It's Paranoia's 5,000th post celebrations!"
Of course! That explained the gargantuan erection! The forum's resident love-god and satirist must have been projecting his unconcious aura to Tom Fulp as he slept. So, the old boy was growing up, eh?
He allowed himself to be led to a table with the other Flash Mods and Senior Regs. Those from General were seated nearer the back, and nwere arrivals were forced to stand. Outside Tom Fulp heard a slight explosion as if a grenade attached to a rocket had made contact with a slightly fleshy area of foliage, and allowed himself a slight smile.
At the stage the Chicken Who Is Also A Ninja took to the stand. Tom Fulp relaxed - this comedy routine was well known and loved.
"This Paranoia fellow, yeah? He's a proper dick, right?"
The chicken stood back to take in the wave of laughter from the crowd. From him this was a great compliment. He gave a knowing wink to the area of crowd where Toast was gazing to the stage, his eyes wet with pre-adolescent lust.
As Ninja began his train of comedy on the state of the internet with relation to twelve year olds, Wade Fulp turned to his brother, his suit creaking as he moved. The others at the table quickly turned their attention to the exchange - it was bound to be interesting in some way.
"What I don't get, Bro..." the Freeman lookalike began, taking deep breaths between clauses, "If this guy's so awesome, how come he hasn't been modded yet?"
"Simple, really. I don't want to outmode all of you guys" He smiled as the mods gave knowing nods at this before continuing: "Besides... I have other plans for him".
His erection contracted suddenly as to remind Tom Fulp of its presence, as Ninja finished the routine:
"And so, without further ado; here is Kirk Cocaine himself to present the award! I'm just off to slit my wrists!"
He left the stage amidst a hail of laughter as Kirk prepared his speech.
Tom Fulp allowed himself to be lost in his own thoughts. Oh yes; plans, plans. Already he was shaking with desire for Paranoia's manly, muscular body to be against his own. But that would have to wait. Right now the lad had an award to recieve.
"Not wanting to waste any more time!" Kirk finished, "Here is what you've all been waiting for..."
