I can see you swung for the fences...
...but only managed to hit the ball a mere two feet in front of you. There were bits that were good, don't get me wrong. However, the begining was so God awfully bad that it ruined the rest of it. Bohemian Rhapsody is a classic, and anything that has it in it, has to be damn near perfect. You have to find words that match the tone of the song, and go along with it. Just breaking up words to go along with the beat doesn't work, and repeating the same thing doesn't help either. I think you have a good base foundation, you just need to really think out what words you want to sing, and make sure it goes along with the music. Otherwise you will have what you have hear. If you had taken something that wasn't a classic, that might be a different story, but come on...this is Queen we're talking about it.