Ignore my last post I was in a bad mood. If ya don't midn Im gonna review some of the stuff that's been posted gives me something to do and it can help other people get better and it might improve my own poetry if I see stuff in otehr peoples work which is wrong that i know I do.
At 4/3/05 05:27 PM, Ketski wrote: Here's a poem I made.... (( it kinda stinks :\ ))
Friendship's Trust
Friends are a part of life
Watchout for eachother
Do not betray oneanother
Rough start I think. Doesn't flow veyr well either IMO
You try to gain their trust
but watch out when it rusts
A bit rusty i think (pun intended :P) the second line in that bit could do with a little tweaking. Something like
but watch out for it soon rusts
sounds better to me at least.
For it's not easy to regain
When you've already broken the chain
Again some tweaking needed. Replace "It's not" with "it isn't" to make it sound better I think.
For once the link of friends are broken
They ignore when your words are spoken
Second line needs tweaking. Maybe something like " They ignore the words that you have spoken" and personally I'd replace "link" with "bonds"
So keep in mind when you're around
That needs something else to keep it company. Another line or something but it shouldn't be alone.
Never try to get the crown
For friendship isn't a competition
Not is it any mission
ok this bit just annoys me. Needs to be scrapped or majorly rewritten I think. Tweaking won't do it for this bit :-\
Do not betray others to be in the top
Because you know you'll eventually drop
something like Do no betray others to reach the top, you know,eventully, the ride will stop, would be better I think.
This is what friendship's trust is...
and forever this trust will hold
Nice little sentiment at the end.
Not bad really. Editing needed in places I think but you have potential that's for certain :-) Keep practicing and you could be pretty damn Ace I think
